These days, I feel like putting down the pencil and grabbing the nearest blade to end it all. Now if I was brave enough to do that, I guess my life here would be over with. I still wonder why I drive myself to what I can do when I know that it's hopeless to ever catch up with the likes of Da Vinci, or even Frazetta.

I tend to look down on my own life because I'm just an ordinary person. Many people don't mind being ordinary, most can even be grateful for that. But from my point of view, I feel like I've lost my purpose in life, I've failed to achieve certain goals that I've set for myself. I've worked hard, it doesn't look hard enough, and yet I feel exhausted.

I had hopes that since drawing was the only talent and gift I possessed, I would be very good at it to make up for all the other things I lack. Then you see that there are people who almost have it all. It makes me wonder why the hell should I hold on when I only have one thing, and that one thing is not even great enough to make me more than ordinary.

Take Frank Frazetta, for example. He both had a macho image and good looks, coupled with unbeleivable prodiginous talent. When you read about him, his artworks at a young age astonished those who ever saw it. He also had a savage side, and got into physical fights, which makes me rather envious. The only people who were astonished by my art when I was in my teens would be my parents and people who couldn't draw as well as I could (if anyone from back then is reading this, no offense). Other than that, I don't think I would get any praise from masters, nor would anyone dub me a prodigy.

Frank Frazetta was good looking, as well. He would sometimes directly base his male characters on himself, without having to alter any facial features - because, for his time, he was handsome... He did have that kind of face girls back then would fall over, in those times, a face and body like a movie hero. He's a James Dean who knows how to paint. Beat that. For him, it's effective, because he can relate with that character he creates.

Me? If I wanted to create male characters who would attract a female audience today, they'd have to look like some icon I can never relate with. I'd have to interview tough guys so I know what being tough feels like. I'd have to interview heart throbs to know what being a hearththrob feels like. I can never look within, because, there's nothing there worth creating into a protagonist- inside, and outside. Truth is, I am just plain Nicholas Trinidad, I am not what my username is, I am not Razekiel (although my DA friends call me that because we eventually forget what our real names are in meets). That character, haha, he's actually a tough-guy-hearththrob in the story I have in mind. Complete opposite, neh?

Some artist creators are lucky because they can be the protagonists of their work and live up to it in real life. They've survived through fistfights without shedding tears, they've experienced being chased by the ladies. I envy that, really. Why? Because I can never live up to the kind of hero I want to be, I can only escape into a mind-made world wherein everything is ok. A place where I look good, a place where in girls like me, not just "like" me like some big brother or some plain ol' friend.

I have to get inspiration second hand, instead of experiencing it myself. In the end, I am not as complete as guys like Frazetta.

It can be frustrating. Being 23, having the hairline of a 40-year old, and the body of a senior citizen. And I still have not done art that makes people look with awe. Frazetta mastered anatomy in one night, LITERALLY. I've been working on it for nine to ten years, and I'll be working on it for the next 9- 10 years maybe, before I'll be able to create well.

Then you have Burne Hogarth. Sometimes, I think people who tell me I will always need to use reference are just ordinary artists who don't have what it takes to match up to Burne Hogarth's creative mind. What's sad is, I am one of those ordinary artists.

"Just accept that there are people who are that skilled, and you aren't one of them."

It sucks, really.

I hate being ordinary. Sorry, if it hurts anyone reading this. But, well, in my perspective, if I'm no prodigy or a late-blooming genius, and I die without causing a storm and inspiring others to look up to me and have worshippers- that means I've lived a very sucky, ordinary life.

At times, I feel like I should quit teaching, but it's my only means of survival now. Honestly, I've never done professional character design work, so I feel like I don't have the credentials to be a good teacher. I sometimes feel like a conman who was just lucky to land a job, a dog who can't really bite, but who knows how to just gnaw around the softer parts.

At times, I think it's chance. Some friends of mine said Zaido would have looked better if I designed the costumes. Well, haha, I don't know, it'd have looked better if anyone else designed the costumes, too.

It's sad being 23 and ordinary. Demn.